The Story of My Inner Child

Growing up, I had a natural ability to write and draw; my two favourite subjects at school were English Literature and Art. However, I never pursued a career in any of these areas because I lacked self confidence and didn’t believe in myself or my abilities.

As a child, I was constantly told I was worthless, good-for-nothing, didn’t deserve it (anything I wanted), and that I was ugly. These heterosuggestions went deep into my subconscious mind, and became the program I ran on as an adult. I subconsciousy believed anything I produced was also worthless, good for nothing, and ugly. 💭

I grew up with low self-esteem,  lacked self-confidence, and didn’t believe in myself.  I would screw up any piece of writing or drawings I did, because I thought they weren’t good enough – a reflection of how I felt about myself! 🤕

So instead of pursuing a career that utilized my natural God-given talents, I ended up doing Accounts, when maths was my worst subject at school! 🤦🏾‍♀️

By my mid twenties, I had stopped being creative altogether.  This was the last picture I drew (using pastels) back in 1986:

Alexander O'Neal

Clearly you can see I was good at art, but my perception of myself was reflected in how I viewed my work.  My boyfriend/lover/friend had asked me to do a portrait of his favourite singer, Alexandra O’Neal from the record sleeve; when he saw my creation, he threw the original on the floor!

Still, I remained a blocked writer and artist for over 20 years after that.  My inner child was crying out to be heard, but I ignored her.

I was unfulfilled, and miserable in my job as an Accounts Clerk.

After the birth of my second ‘sun’ in 1995, I decided I wanted to do something that would work around them.  I wanted to go back to being creative, but I didn’t know how.  A book came into my life calld ‘The Artist’s Way’ by Julia Cameron, which helped me begin the process of unblocking.

The Artists Way

This book literally saved my inner child’s life!  I didn’t just read it, I did all the daily and weekly tasks  (it’s a 12-week course).  The first thing I was required to do was to start writing my Morning Pages, 3 A4 pages every morning of any thoughts that came to mind (it didn’t have to make sense).  The second thing was to take my inner child on weekly ‘Artist Dates‘.  This was fun!

Some parts of the process involved going deep into the recesses of my mind, to uncover where that critical voice in my head was coming from that kept saying “You? A great artist? LOL” or “You? A best-selling author? You could never amount to that!” .  The exercises helped me get to the root cause of my insecurities, and to begin counter-attacking them with POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS like “I am a brilliant and successful artist”, “I am a prolific writer”, “I have rich creative talents”, “I am confident and competent in my creative work”, “I am a channel for the Creator to create through”, in order to get my creative juices flowing again.

‘The Artist’s Way’ taught me how to nurture my inner child, and to  give her the freedom she desired to create. As the adult, I had to learn how to step out of the way, and allow her to be free.

Before the end of the 12 week course, I was writing and painting freely!

The first painting I did when I unblocked as an artist in 2009 was of my inner child, and one of the first poems I wrote was called ‘My Artist Child’ (inspired by ‘The Artist’s Way’) which explains the inner struggle I went through to set my inner child free:

 

Cezanne (my artist) is a child.

I call to her, and she answers me

With a poem, a dance, and a squiggle-diddy!

She loves to be free, my artist

Free to explore her creativity

With no limitations, or boundaries

So what’s stopping her?

Me.

Yes ME, the adult,

Constrained in what I can see

Stuck in my blocks, and adult mentality;

“YOU CAN’T DO THAT!” I scold,

As she tries to break free;

“I want to paint!” she says.

“NO!” I reply,

(frightened of what she may tell of me,

as she paints away freely)

“I want to write!” she cries.

“No, NO!” I squeal,

(At the thought of my thoughts on paper,

she may reveal!)

“I want to dance!” she pleads.

“No, no, NO!” my senses scream

“At your age, start to….PRANCE??”

“Please, can I sing?” she begs…

She wants to paint!

She wants to write!

She wants to dance!

She wants to sing!

How can I deny my artist-child these things?

How can I refuse her the right

To be free to express her creativity?

So….I give her the paints, AND the time of day.

I give her the dance classes she’s always craved.

I allow her to write when her spirit takes

And to sing, yes to sing with the voice that God gave!

I take her out on our ‘Artist’s Dates’

And feed her IMAGES for her to relate

Back to her play-play-work-day…

Now my child, GO and CREATE!

As you can see, there was a real struggle going on between my adult self, filled with ego, self-consciousness, and learned restrictions, and my uninhibited, free-spirited inner child.  Thank goodness, my inner child won! 😅

So when I started writing my novel (now re-titled Journey of a Sister) my job as the adult was simply to step out of the way and let her be free. I used the painting My Inner Child to illustrate the front cover of the e-book for Year Two, because there’s a part in there where Suzanne inspires Charles to awaken his inner child! (in the section ‘Lace Seduction’).

Cezanne’s mission is to ‘Spread Love through Creativity’

The thing I love about my inner child is her ability to write about adult topics with the uninhibited innocence of a child, and to express herself in a way that I (the adult) wouldn’t dare to!  When I was writing ‘Journey of a Sister’ I kept hearing that critical voice inside my head saying “You can’t write that!”, but I just ignored it and allowed my inner child the freedom to write whatever she chose…so in 2009 I felt compelled to write ‘Part Two‘ to my poem:

My inner child is wild and free – she has no boundaries!

When I decided to set her free I KNEW it would cost me my privacy!

(and anyone who’s had anything to do with me

 so if that’s you, I’m sorry.)

She sits in the seat of my subconscious mind observing all I’m doing

Then she turns my experiences into a song, story or poem!

Thanks to her, my life is an open book,

Go on, open it, take a look!

And she’s left me (the adult) to deal with all the DRAMA she creates 

She doesn’t know where to draw the line!

I know I should be embarrassed, but to be honest,

All I keep seeing are POUND SIGNS ££££££££!

Journey_PB3

 Start by reading >>  Year One FREE! << (click to open) 

Did you enjoy the free read? Order your personally signed Limited Edition paperback with my artwork in colour WHILE STOCKS LAST!

Outside the UK? Order direct from www.lulu.com (ships worldwide)

Where Did the Name ‘Cezanne’ Come From?

Cezanne is my ‘spiritual’ name.  What do I mean by that?

When I was  around 14 years old, I was in the back of class one day at school, doodling on the back of my textbook (obviously bored!).  As I was drawing randomly, the name ‘Cezanne’ appeared in the doodles!  The name stuck in the back of my mind all the years I was a blocked writer and artist, and only came back to me when I had to name my inner child as part of the course in Julia Cameron’s book ‘The Artist’s Way‘.

Signature

I’ve now changed my name by Deed Poll, in the hope that eventually, my inner child will take over completely!  Setting her free has enabled me to write and record over 30 poems, write 3 books (one is the Book of Lyrics to my award-winning poetry collection ‘Seeds of Love‘), painted 11 paintings, and I’m still creating, including building this website, writing my first speech, and developing workshops for my Retreats! 

Join me on the ‘Nurture Your Inner Child’ Retreat!

Would you like me to take you through the same processes I went through to unblock as a writer and artist?  Then join me for 7 days of work-play in the sun!  This is essentially a 7-day holiday for both women and men, with 5 days of workshops thrown in (you can do as much or as little as you like!).  All materials are included, as well as accommodation, daily meals, and 5 days of nurturing your inner child!  You’ll return home with something you have created, and the tools to keep your creative juices flowing!   As part of the course, I will also teach Colour Therapy (I healed myself from Seasonal Affective Disorder using the colours in my paintings!)

Visit my Art page to learn about the Colours & Symbolism in my paintings and to download them to your device so you can benefit from the Colour Therapy in them too!

Use the Contact Form below to register your interest in the Nurture Your Inner Child Retreat 2019 (monthly Feb to May) or email cezanne@journeyofasister.com  

In your service,

Signature

 

 

Promoting LOVE through Creativity!

Artisan Impression people

‘Follow’ this blog to receive an email every time I update it!

‘Like’ my FB Page: Journey of a Sister

Follow me on Twitter: @JourneySister (I follow back)

Add me on Instagram for daily pics and videos: journeyofasister

Register your interest for the Nurture Your Inner Child Retreat March, April or May 2019:

Download Year Two FREE!

Year Two of my Self-help novel ‘Single, Spiritual…AND Sexual!’ is FREE to download this weekend! (until Monday 15th July).  The only thing I ask in return is that you Leave a REVIEW! (link at end of book)

Watch the YouTube video for the book:

Download Year Two FREE:

"I am JAfrican!"

Download it here:

UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B008DM1OAM

Outside UK: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008DM1OAM

If you missed the FREE download of Year One last week, it’s available to read FREE at www.singlespiritualandsexual.com 

Finished the journey?

If you’ve already completed all 11 Years, Please spare 5-10 minutes to let others know what you thought of it by leaving a REVIEW! (It will also help others make a purchasing decision) Leave your feedback here:

UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00DPNOQ9A

Outside UK:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DPNOQ9A

You can also use the link above to download the full e-book (Years One to Eleven, text only) for £2.99! ($4.45)

Also, check out the July issue of the Conscious Vibes magazine, my book is featured on page 63!

Enjoy your weekend!

Cezanne

Touching the Heart…through Art!

P.S.  I’ll be performing at Uzima next Saturday 20th July, visit my Events Page for details!  (Buy the paperback online, bring it with you and I’ll not only sign it, but give you its complimentary poetry CD ‘Seeds of Love’ FREE!)

Artisan Impression people

Year Two FREE DOWNLOAD – LAST DAY TODAY!

Year Two of my Self-help novel ‘Single, Spiritual…AND Sexual!’ is available to download FREE NOW – LAST DAY TODAY!  Go here

Year Two Book Cover Design copy

If you missed the free download of Year One last week, you can read it FREE on my new website www.singlespiritualandsexual.com (under ‘Book Extracts’)

I would really appreciate it if you would leave your Review on Amazon here:

Year Three will be available to download FREE next weekend – ‘follow’ my blog so you get an email reminder!

Prefer to read the paperback version?

Order the paperback from www.lulu.com for only £10.99 + p&p – bring it with you to one of my Book Signing events and get its 13-track complimentary poetry CD ‘Seeds of Love’ FREE!  (Get your book signed too!) You can listen to all 13 tracks on Myspace.  For information of events where I’ll be in February and March visit my Events Page: http://wp.me/P2oJPB-km

I look forward to reading your comments, and hopefully meeting you at one of my Book Signing events where you’ll get my poetry CD ‘Seeds of Love’ FREE when you order the paperback online and bring it with you!  I’m currently organising my Book Tour 2013; if you’ve bought the paperback and would like me to come to YOUR part of the world, email me at singlespiritualandsexual@gmail.com – if I get enough requests in the same area, I’ll come!

Cezanne ♥ (Black Love Promoter)

Extract from Year One: The Caribbean Expo

The Caribbean Expo

 The Expo was a much bigger occasion than Suzanne had imagined; over the three day period thousands of people flocked to the venue in the Docklands.  She made over three times as much money as she had invested in the stand and printing her posters. But it was the third day that was to change Suzanne’s life forever…

She spotted him in the distance; he stood out like a neon light, seemingly head and shoulders above everyone else.  As he approached her stand, Suzanne began to get a strange feeling in her stomach, like butterflies.  Did she know this guy?

When he reached about two feet away, she could see that she didn’t know him, and at over six feet tall he really was head and shoulders above everyone else!   Then she realised that he wasn’t even heading towards her stand, but the stand opposite!  She had to get his attention; “EXCUSE ME!” she called out to him on impulse.  He turned and began walking towards her.  She suddenly felt slightly nervous; she wasn’t in the habit of pursuing men, plus, she was meant to be working!

But as their eyes met, she flashed him a huge, inviting smile.  He accepted the invitation.

She knew he thought she was attractive, and she thought he was attractive too.

“Hi! I wondered whether you’d be interested in my posters” she said cheerfully, flicking her hair as he reached her stand.

“Hmmm….they’re nice, did you design them?”  He asked, looking at them.

“Yes, I wrote the poetry too”

He stood silently, reading one.

“I can tell, you’re deep” he commented when he had finished.

Suzanne laughed.  “Would you like one?”

“How much are they?” he enquired.

“Well you can buy one for £4.50, two for £8.00 or three for £10”

He chose three different designs, saying “My mum will appreciate these” and paid her the £10.

“What made you come here today?” Suzanne asked, trying to prolong his stay as she rolled the posters up slowly, putting an elastic band around them.  Neat, heavy eyebrows adorned his sparkling dark brown eyes. He was dressed casually but neatly in a pair of jeans, shirt and shoes. As she handed him the posters he smiled with full, luscious lips revealing perfect teeth.  But it wasn’t his looks that had attracted her to him in the first instance. In fact, she couldn’t quite place her finger on what it was.

“My friend invited me” he replied, pointing to another brother at the stand opposite.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise you were with someone!”

“It’s alright. So how long have you been doing this?” he asked, indicating towards the posters with his tube.

“I’ve just started actually – I only had them printed this week!” she replied, smiling proudly.

“What were you doing before?” he asked.

“I used to work in admin, but I left my job two weeks ago so I could focus on starting my business”

“Wow, sounds pretty much like me…”

He proceeded to tell her how he had just left the job he’d been doing for over 7 years, as well as ending his long term relationship.  It sounded as if they were both at a turning point in their lives.   In a weird kind of way, during the time they were talking, it was as if time stood still; everything around them became like a blurred whirlwind, as if they were in some kind of time warp. Suzanne forgot she was meant to be selling; in that moment, nothing else existed in the world but the two of them.  In the two minutes or so that they conversed, they both shared personal information about themselves, as if they had known each other forever.

“I have to go – do you have a card?” he asked.

Suzanne picked up one of her home-made business cards and handed it to him.  He read it and smiled at her slogan; ‘Touching the Heart…through Art’.

“I’ll call you” he said, looking at her with promise in his eyes.

“I’ll look forward to it” she smiled encouragingly.

“My name’s Charles, by the way” he added, extending his hand.  His smile was as warm as a summer’s day, making her feel all hot and sweaty.  As their hands made contact, what felt like an electrical surge passed from his hand through Suzanne’s whole body; she wondered if he had felt it too.  They shook hands quite formally, but there was a lingering in the time they should have released contact.

“Suzanne”

As Charles walked away, Janice asked “Who was THAT?”

*******************

Read the whole of Year One FREE at www.singlespiritualandsexual.com

Book 2 copy

‘Like’ the ‘Single, Spiritual…AND Sexual!’ Page on Facebook and leave your feedback!

 Alternatively, leave your Comments Here!

Artisan Impression people