The Story of My Inner Child

Growing up, I had a natural ability to write and draw; my two favourite subjects at school were English Literature and Art. However, I never pursued a career in any of these areas because I lacked self confidence and didn’t believe in myself or my abilities.

As a child, I was constantly told I was worthless, good-for-nothing, didn’t deserve it (anything I wanted), and that I was ugly. These heterosuggestions went deep into my subconscious mind, and became the program I ran on as an adult. I subconsciousy believed anything I produced was also worthless, good for nothing, and ugly. 💭

I grew up with low self-esteem,  lacked self-confidence, and didn’t believe in myself.  I would screw up any piece of writing or drawings I did, because I thought they weren’t good enough – a reflection of how I felt about myself! 🤕

So instead of pursuing a career that utilized my natural God-given talents, I ended up doing Accounts, when maths was my worst subject at school! 🤦🏾‍♀️

By my mid twenties, I had stopped being creative altogether.  This was the last picture I drew (using pastels) back in 1986:

Alexander O'Neal

Clearly you can see I was good at art, but my perception of myself was reflected in how I viewed my work.  My boyfriend/lover/friend had asked me to do a portrait of his favourite singer, Alexandra O’Neal from the record sleeve; when he saw my creation, he threw the original on the floor!

Still, I remained a blocked writer and artist for over 20 years after that.  My inner child was crying out to be heard, but I ignored her.

I was unfulfilled, and miserable in my job as an Accounts Clerk.

After the birth of my second ‘sun’ in 1995, I decided I wanted to do something that would work around them.  I wanted to go back to being creative, but I didn’t know how.  A book came into my life calld ‘The Artist’s Way’ by Julia Cameron, which helped me begin the process of unblocking.

The Artists Way

This book literally saved my inner child’s life!  I didn’t just read it, I did all the daily and weekly tasks  (it’s a 12-week course).  The first thing I was required to do was to start writing my Morning Pages, 3 A4 pages every morning of any thoughts that came to mind (it didn’t have to make sense).  The second thing was to take my inner child on weekly ‘Artist Dates‘.  This was fun!

Some parts of the process involved going deep into the recesses of my mind, to uncover where that critical voice in my head was coming from that kept saying “You? A great artist? LOL” or “You? A best-selling author? You could never amount to that!” .  The exercises helped me get to the root cause of my insecurities, and to begin counter-attacking them with POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS like “I am a brilliant and successful artist”, “I am a prolific writer”, “I have rich creative talents”, “I am confident and competent in my creative work”, “I am a channel for the Creator to create through”, in order to get my creative juices flowing again.

‘The Artist’s Way’ taught me how to nurture my inner child, and to  give her the freedom she desired to create. As the adult, I had to learn how to step out of the way, and allow her to be free.

Before the end of the 12 week course, I was writing and painting freely!

The first painting I did when I unblocked as an artist in 2009 was of my inner child, and one of the first poems I wrote was called ‘My Artist Child’ (inspired by ‘The Artist’s Way’) which explains the inner struggle I went through to set my inner child free:

 

Cezanne (my artist) is a child.

I call to her, and she answers me

With a poem, a dance, and a squiggle-diddy!

She loves to be free, my artist

Free to explore her creativity

With no limitations, or boundaries

So what’s stopping her?

Me.

Yes ME, the adult,

Constrained in what I can see

Stuck in my blocks, and adult mentality;

“YOU CAN’T DO THAT!” I scold,

As she tries to break free;

“I want to paint!” she says.

“NO!” I reply,

(frightened of what she may tell of me,

as she paints away freely)

“I want to write!” she cries.

“No, NO!” I squeal,

(At the thought of my thoughts on paper,

she may reveal!)

“I want to dance!” she pleads.

“No, no, NO!” my senses scream

“At your age, start to….PRANCE??”

“Please, can I sing?” she begs…

She wants to paint!

She wants to write!

She wants to dance!

She wants to sing!

How can I deny my artist-child these things?

How can I refuse her the right

To be free to express her creativity?

So….I give her the paints, AND the time of day.

I give her the dance classes she’s always craved.

I allow her to write when her spirit takes

And to sing, yes to sing with the voice that God gave!

I take her out on our ‘Artist’s Dates’

And feed her IMAGES for her to relate

Back to her play-play-work-day…

Now my child, GO and CREATE!

As you can see, there was a real struggle going on between my adult self, filled with ego, self-consciousness, and learned restrictions, and my uninhibited, free-spirited inner child.  Thank goodness, my inner child won! 😅

So when I started writing my novel (now re-titled Journey of a Sister) my job as the adult was simply to step out of the way and let her be free. I used the painting My Inner Child to illustrate the front cover of the e-book for Year Two, because there’s a part in there where Suzanne inspires Charles to awaken his inner child! (in the section ‘Lace Seduction’).

Cezanne’s mission is to ‘Spread Love through Creativity’

The thing I love about my inner child is her ability to write about adult topics with the uninhibited innocence of a child, and to express herself in a way that I (the adult) wouldn’t dare to!  When I was writing ‘Journey of a Sister’ I kept hearing that critical voice inside my head saying “You can’t write that!”, but I just ignored it and allowed my inner child the freedom to write whatever she chose…so in 2009 I felt compelled to write ‘Part Two‘ to my poem:

My inner child is wild and free – she has no boundaries!

When I decided to set her free I KNEW it would cost me my privacy!

(and anyone who’s had anything to do with me

 so if that’s you, I’m sorry.)

She sits in the seat of my subconscious mind observing all I’m doing

Then she turns my experiences into a song, story or poem!

Thanks to her, my life is an open book,

Go on, open it, take a look!

And she’s left me (the adult) to deal with all the DRAMA she creates 

She doesn’t know where to draw the line!

I know I should be embarrassed, but to be honest,

All I keep seeing are POUND SIGNS ££££££££!

Journey_PB3

 Start by reading >>  Year One FREE! << (click to open) 

Did you enjoy the free read? Order your personally signed Limited Edition paperback with my artwork in colour WHILE STOCKS LAST!

Journey of a Sister Limited Edition paperback

Journey of a Sister features Cezanne’s artwork & poetry with FREE postage (UK only)

£14.99

Outside the UK? Order direct from www.lulu.com (ships worldwide)

Where Did the Name ‘Cezanne’ Come From?

Cezanne is my ‘spiritual’ name.  What do I mean by that?

When I was  around 14 years old, I was in the back of class one day at school, doodling on the back of my textbook (obviously bored!).  As I was drawing randomly, the name ‘Cezanne’ appeared in the doodles!  The name stuck in the back of my mind all the years I was a blocked writer and artist, and only came back to me when I had to name my inner child as part of the course in Julia Cameron’s book ‘The Artist’s Way‘.

Signature

I’ve now changed my name by Deed Poll, in the hope that eventually, my inner child will take over completely!  Setting her free has enabled me to write and record over 30 poems, write 3 books (one is the Book of Lyrics to my award-winning poetry collection ‘Seeds of Love‘), painted 11 paintings, and I’m still creating, including building this website, writing my first speech, and developing workshops for my Retreats! 

Join me on the ‘Nurture Your Inner Child’ Retreat!

Would you like me to take you through the same processes I went through to unblock as a writer and artist?  Then join me for 7 days of work-play in the sun!  This is essentially a 7-day holiday for both women and men, with 5 days of workshops thrown in (you can do as much or as little as you like!).  All materials are included, as well as accommodation, daily meals, and 5 days of nurturing your inner child!  You’ll return home with something you have created, and the tools to keep your creative juices flowing!   As part of the course, I will also teach Colour Therapy (I healed myself from Seasonal Affective Disorder using the colours in my paintings!)

Visit my Art page to learn about the Colours & Symbolism in my paintings and to download them to your device so you can benefit from the Colour Therapy in them too!

Use the Contact Form below to register your interest in the Nurture Your Inner Child Retreat 2019 (monthly Feb to May) or email cezanne@journeyofasister.com  

In your service,

Signature

 

 

Promoting LOVE through Creativity!

Artisan Impression people

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