I realise that the hardest people I will have trying to convince that I am still a child of God, is Christians.
Even my Christian friends who I have known for years, refuse to believe that I could possibly still have a relationship with God, since I haven’t been to church in 7 years.
They tell me to ‘come back to God’, or that I have ‘backslidden’. The question I ask is; can God only be found in church, and doesn’t ‘the devil’ go to church too?
In 2007, I had reached a point in my Christian walk where I was questioning everything I’d been taught to believe. I had built my relationship with God despite being sexually active while attending church regularly. I could hear God clearly; in fact, the first poems I wrote were ‘messages from God’, otherwise known as ‘prophetic poetry’. One of them, which I entitled “Look to Me!” features in Year One of my Self-help novel ‘Single, Spiritual…AND Sexual!’ (it’s also on my current CD ‘Seeds of Love’; all 13 poems feature in the story)
This is another one:
Back then, I would spend hours studying my bible, praying, and seeking God for revelation of His word. But I had physical as well as spiritual needs. I always felt guilty after having sex, yet I felt I just couldn’t help myself. I would tell God to leave me alone, that the Christian walk is too narrow for me, that “my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak”. Yet it wasn’t God who was making me feel guilty about my sexuality, it was the church. I remember when I fell pregnant with my first son in 1991, I was mortified – now everyone would know I’d had sex! What should I do? I confided in one of the sisters in church who advised me to terminate the pregnancy; “Loads of girls do it”, she claimed.
But then I went to God. In my panick-stricken state, I asked “What kind of a life will this child have?” (since I wasn’t married, and felt I had nothing to offer a baby). I remember God’s answer as clear as day: “The same way you were born ‘in sin’ (my mother never married) and I have a plan for your life, is the same way I have a plan for your son’s life”. This was how I found out I was having a boy, and sure enough, a scan later confirmed what God had told me! Three years later, I fell pregnant with my second son, still ‘out of wedlock’. I thought I’d really blown it this time. But again God reassured me that I was still His child, and blessed me with a brand new house. I asked Him “Why do you keep blessing me like this, I don’t deserve it!” He replied “I didn’t give it to you because you deserve it, I gave it to you because you needed it”.
Even as I write this, tears are streaming down my face because I realize I’ve strayed so far from God’s grace. Not by having sex before marriage, but by trying to do things in my own strength.
Read Year One of ‘Single, Spiritual…AND Sexual!’ FREE !
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Touching the Heart…through Art!
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