Are you on the journey? Join Suzanne on her 11-year quest for ‘the Truth!’
Extract from Year Seven: Love Attraction
Suzanne was in the habit of writing down her desires, as this seemed to solidify them somehow. Sometimes she used her songs and poems to express her feelings and wishes. She wanted to attract the man of her dreams, but she also wanted to help her single Black sisters to attract theirs too. Every time she went out to perform, she always took note of the amount of sisters in the crowd who were out with their friends or alone – but without a man. Maybe he would turn up later that night when she got back home, or maybe she was just another sister without a man. The amount of Single Black Women without a ‘decent black man’ inspired Suzanne to write a song/poem and dedicate it to them. She would be performing it for the first time that Saturday, so she rehearsed all week in front of the mirror to get it right.
When she arrived at the venue, once again she noted the amount of single sisters in the place, some who she knew personally from the poetry circuit. She sat with a group of them and enjoyed watching their performances. Soon it was her turn; as she began singing, she tried her best to emotionalise the words, which wasn’t difficult:
I’ve been on my own too long
And I’m tired of spending my nights alone
I’m looking for a love that’s true
Someone to call my very own.
Lord can you help me please
To attract the man of my dreams
Tell me what I have to do
To attract a love that’s true
Oh Lord, show me the way
To find the perfect One for me
What steps must I take
To bring the man from my dreams into reality?
First, I must heal my Self from the emotional damage caused by past relationships
The hurt, the pain, the wounds that keep opening up again and again
Each time I’m reminded of a negative experience it starts a chain reaction;
I lash out, shout and scream, say words I don’t mean
And before I know it, I’m alone again!
Oh Lord, show me the way
What steps do I have to take
To find the perfect One for me
Who’ll give me the commitment that I seek?
I must learn to drop the emotional baggage I’ve been carrying around for years
Let go of all my insecurities and fears
Releasing bitterness, hurt and pain
Forgiving, so I can heal from within
And learn to love and trust again…
Even though the poemsong was over six minutes long, Suzanne had memorized it so well, she made no mistakes. It was like a teaching tool to help women prepare themselves for their soulmate. It hadn’t so much been written by her – it more came through her. She recited the last lines;
Now I trust and let go because I know that
DREAMS DO COME TRUE.
As Suzanne left the stage to a resounding applause, a familiar figure approached her.
They hadn’t seen each other in nearly two years. He couldn’t believe how much she’d changed.
“Damn, you look good enough to eat!” he exclaimed impulsively.
She smiled, thinking that all her efforts had paid off.
Suzanne had by now, gone from wearing the wigs and weaves, to wearing her hair natural. It was more work and just as expensive to maintain, but somehow, it gave her a new sense of pride and Self-identity. For this occasion, she’d had it done in a Bespoke hairstyle; cornrow twists going up off her face, with glittering hair adornments to finish it off.
Her clothing style had changed, too. She no longer wore man-made fibres against her skin, but stuck to natural cloths like cotton, wool, linen, hemp and silk. Her clothing was comfortable, soft and flowing; she tended to avoid understated clothes, preferring prints with an ethnic feel, which made her look more daring and exciting in appearance. There was grace in her movements, reflecting her keen sense of harmony and refinement.
“She definitely seems to be going through some sort of transformation” thought Charles “– for the better”.
What Charles was seeing was her true natural inner beauty shining through.
“Can I buy you a drink”? He asked, taking her by the elbow.
“That would be nice” she replied, while thinking “Why did he have to touch me?” He knows what his touch does to me!” It sent an electrical current right through her whole body.
As they stood by the bar talking, invisible sparks were flying everywhere.
They couldn’t really hold a proper conversation because of the noise, so Charles suggested they go somewhere quieter. Suzanne recommended the lounge bar upstairs. She left her books and CD’s with her sister Janice who was still promoting her Black History artefacts, saying she would be back soon. Janice looked at Charles and said “I remember you!” and gave Suzanne an approving smirk.
As they sat on the comfortable leather sofas, a waiter handed them both menus.
“Would you like anything to eat?” Charles asked.
“No thanks, it’s too late for that” Suzanne responded “But I wouldn’t mind a cup of peppermint tea, if they have any”.
He looked through the menu, and then said “Yes they do, I think I’ll have one too”.
Charles signalled to the waiter to come back over, and ordered a small pot of peppermint tea.
“Ok I’m ready, fire away” Suzanne said, looking him straight in the eyes.
Looking back at her regretfully he held her gaze as he said “Suzanne, I’m really sorry for any hurt and pain I may have caused you”
“May have?” Suzanne replied sarcastically. “May have?” she repeated.
Sarcasm is the lowest form of communication, and it failed to help the situation.
Ignoring her remark, he continued; “…I know I did wrong Suzanne, but I’m just asking for another chance. I know now that it’s you I want to spend the rest of my life with”
“What about your baby mother?” Suzanne quizzed. “How would she feel about this new arrangement of yours?”
“I don’t want to talk about her too much or put her down in any way, but all I can say is it’s over. I’m never going back. It’s you I want” He repeated. “I’ve missed you so much Suzanne, all the time I’ve been with her, I’ve been wishing it was you. I thought I could make a life with my new family, but I was only lying to my Self. As much as I love my daughter, I have to take my needs into consideration as well. I don’t just want you Suzanne, I need you”
His words played with her heart strings, but she tried her best to stay in control.
“What about the mother of your child?” she asked.
“Look, we’d only known each other about six weeks and before I knew it, she was telling me she was pregnant. I tried my best to do right by her, but it wasn’t long before I knew I’d made a big mistake. But does that mean I have to suffer the rest of my life for it? I’ll always be there for my daughter, but I’m not interested in being in a relationship with her mother anymore. I want you. I’m still madly in love with you Suzanne”
This was the first time Charles had told her he loved her of his own free will, not before, during or after sex, or with the influence of alcohol egging him on.
As she looked at him from across the table, he smiled sheepishly with that boyish grin, with a pleading look in his eyes.
“When did you break up with her?”she continued to question him.
“I moved out a few months ago. She was making my life a living hell – I couldn’t do anything right”
“Well it’s your daughter I feel sorry for. She’s the one who has to suffer in all this” Suzanne stated bluntly. “How old is she?”
“You’re right. She’s only sixteen months old. She’s adorable, but I will be there for her and have her as often as I possibly can” Charles claimed.
“Do you have a photo of her?” Suzanne asked.
Charles brought out his mobile phone and showed Suzanne the picture on his screen-saver.
“Oh, she’s beautiful!” Suzanne exclaimed.
“How’s your relationship with her mother now?”
“Maria? Not good. But it hasn’t been good for months, even before Ebony was born. She seemed to switch on me the minute she got pregnant” Charles sulked.
Suzanne remembered how she had been when she was pregnant. Those hormones had played havoc with her emotions; she remembered the time she ripped her son’s father’s jacket clean off his back.
“Are you sure it’s not just her hormones?” she asked in defence of the woman.
“What do I know? All I know is that I’m not in love with her, I’m in love with you”.
As they sat staring at each other from across the table, Charles reached over for her hand.
She knew that if they got too close, touched skin-to-skin, she wouldn’t be able to control herself. She withdrew her hand before he reached it.
He looked down at the table, looking defeated.
“Please Suzanne, give me a chance to make it up to you. I’ll do anything to have you back in my life. Just name it, and I’ll do it.”
This was too much for Suzanne to take in. Getting up, she replied “This situation was not caused by me, and it’s not for me to try to fix it”
As she walked away, he rushed after her.
“How are you getting home?” he asked.
“My sister has a car”
“Let me drop you home – come on, that’s the least I can do”
Suzanne exploded. “The least you can do? You go off and make a baby with another woman and then talk about the least you can do is give me a fucking ride home?”
Charles took her by the arm to slow her down. She stopped, spun around and glared at him. Trying again he pleaded; “It would give us a chance to talk some more. Look Suzanne, we belong together but if you are too angry too see that…..I mean if you’re prepared to let your hurt and anger at my mistake keep us apart then I’ll have no choice but to walk away and we’ll spend the rest of our lives wondering what could have been. Or we can take this opportunity to examine what’s in our hearts. Let me drive you home and we can just…… talk”
She paused before replying “…Okay”.
By the time they arrived back downstairs, the event was almost over and Janice had already packed up the stand.
As they walked to the car, Charles tried to put his arm around her shoulder to protect her from the cold wind blowing, but she refused his gentlemanly gesture, pulling her coat tightly around her instead.
They drove in silence for the first five minutes, before Suzanne asked if he could put some music on. As soon as he pressed the play button, one of the CD’s Suzanne had compiled for him some years ago began to play. They looked at each other and smiled. Memories flooded back to her.
“I have to admit, I’ve missed you too” Suzanne said reluctantly.
Charles reached over and took her hand. He placed it on the gear stick of the car and put his hand over hers, so she could help him change gears, like they used to do.
Silent tears began to fall down her cheeks. Looking out of the window, she wiped them away before he could notice.
As much as she wanted to be strong, she knew she was powerless to resist him.
Download Year Seven FREE this weekend (Fri 8th to Sun 10th March)
If you haven’t read the previous Years, download Years Two to Six (You can read Year One FREE at www.singlespiritualandsexual.com)
Old skool, like me?
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And to all the queens raising our sons and daughters,
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
Cezanne ♥ (Artist/Poet/Author, Black Love Promoter)
P.S. Read Reviews, hear me reading an extract from Year Two, and download a FREE mp3 of God’s Reply from Year One at: www.singlespiritualandsexual.com
Touching the heart…through Art!